Repentance

   Recently, I was asked how I gauge if an abuser is repentant. I explained that I have used 2 Corinthians 7:10-11 as a template for years. As I wrote out the exposition of the passage as it relates to abusers, I realized that the principles apply to every sin. By comparing the actions of others--and more importantly to ourselves--we can see the reality of our repentance.

2 Corinthians 7:10-11

10 For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. 11 For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter.

 

For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance…

·         "without regret, leading to salvation,"

·      Does the abuser regret losing control

·      Does the abuser regret the consequences he faces for his sin

·      Does the abuser regret the loss of prestige, respect, influence, etc.

·         "For behold what earnestness this very thing,"

·      Is the abuser working diligently to see a change?

·      Does he faithfully complete all homework?

·      Is his attitude serious toward changing his life?

·         "this godly sorrow,"

·      Does he consistently express sadness for the harm he has done to others?

·      When reminded of his sin, does the abuser apologize or complain about his sin being “brought up” again?

·      Is his sorrow focused on the harm his actions did to others or on the hardship they brought to him.

·         "what vindication of yourselves,"

·      This one is tricky at first glance.

·      Does the abuser so repent as to promote restitution for his actions?

·      Does the abuser now oppose control within himself and others with zeal and passion?

·      Are the actions of the abuser establishing a new life pattern in which an accusation of abuse would seem impossible? (For restoration of a minister, BCO 34-8 requires that it only be done when the sentiment of the church “demands it.” This is what I look for in a penitent abuser.)

·         "what indignation,"

·      Does the abuser hate what they have done.

·      Is the abuser “beating himself up” for the sins he committed.

·      This indignation will fuel the earnest repentance.

·         "what fear,"

·      Is the abuser terrified that they will abuse again.

·      An alcoholic once told me, “I know that I have another drunk in me. I am terrified that I might not have another sober. This “fear” kept him sober.

·      "what longing,"

·      Does the abuser look to the future with hope?

·      Does the abuser imagine what it will be like to be trustworthy and safe?

·         "what zeal,"

·      Is repentance the driving factor in the abuser’s life.

·      Is the abuser ever aware of his propensity to control and is he committed to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”

·         "what avenging of wrong!"

·      Is the abuser willing to make up for his wrongs to the very people he hurt?

·      Does the abuser recognize why his victims do not want to be around him?

·      Does he willingly honor this desire?

 

    This is what I teach survivors of abuse to use when trying to see if the abuser is safe. These principles can guide us as we examine ourselves in turning from whatever sin we have adopted.