After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying,
"Do
not fear, Abram,
I
am a shield to you;
Your
reward shall be very great."
Genesis
15:1
In 1990, during the early morning hours, a
man broke into my mother`s apartment, held a knife to her throat, mocked her,
threatened her, and raped her. Although
he left her alive, something in my mother died that day.
Throughout her life, Mom has been a victim of
abuse. Her father abused her verbally
and physically. When she met my father
she saw her chance to escape. On her
eighteenth birthday they were married.
She soon discovered that he was even worse. She would try to anticipate his wishes to
avoid his rage, but who can know the whims of a drunken man. After an exceptionally brutal beating, Mom
expressed her truest self when she courageously gathered her three sons and
left my dad. I thank God for her
courage. That choice has always been an
example to me that I do not need to live under oppression and it set me free
from living any longer under my father’s wrath.
She left with another man and soon married him. Although not as violent as my father, he too
drank too much and would often act in oppressive ways. The relief was so great that we overlooked his
controlling ways and periodic fits of rage.
When I was ten, my step-father took his own
life. He got mad about something we boys had done. He fought with mom and she took us to her
mother's for our safety. The next morning,
she called Grandma and told her that he had killed himself. We were stunned. I remember vividly the numbness that fell
over our whole family. Even in this
state, Mom brought us all together. She
was a rock. She was brave and
strong. I admire my mom for the amazing
power she showed to raise three teenage boys all alone. But in one night in January 1990, Mom became
frightened. Maybe it was the straw the
broke the camel`s back. I do not know
for sure. But Mom has been different
ever since.
Because of the rape, Mom married a man who
would be the worst of her abusers. He
offered her safety from the intruder. In
exchange, he demanded total obedience. One day when he felt she was slipping
away, he pressed a pistol to her chest and squeezed the trigger. In God’s grace, the weapon misfired and Mom
was able to escape. Two months later,
Mom met Jesus. Her faith has set her
free from so much destruction. Although
she has regained some of her fearless confidence, she still longs to be
safe. She is afraid of unlocked
doors. She winces when she sees someone
who is similar to her attacker. I admire
my Mom and I weep for the burden she must carry. I do not blame my mom for being afraid. I would love for her to be fully free, but I
understand that her wounds are greater than anything I can even imagine. She is fighting just to survive. How can a man sunbathing on the beach
criticize the swimming technique of the survivor of a shipwreck who is
struggling against the tide to reach the shore?
Mom is worthy of my admiration.
A member of my church
once confided in me, "Vince, you know how deeply the rape affected your
mom. You know that that single violent
act scarred her for life." I
nodded. "I was raped every day for
years by my step-father." What do
you say to such a revelation? How do you even understand the wounds this woman
bore? To this day, I am deeply grateful
that my friend is still alive. She is
struggling to be a better mother and wife.
She has not given up the fight but as she walks through this life, she
has a noticeable limp. The wounds
inflicted by her step-father will be with her throughout this life.
BRUISES
Each of us is wounded
in life. Our wounds may not reach the
severity of Mom`s or my friend's, but we have been hurt. Mom and my friend live, trying to find some
way to be safe from the wounds they experienced. Their methods are different. Their fears are slightly different, but their
primary objective is the same. They
cannot bear the possibility that someone might hurt them again.
Lee Cox, in his book Raised
on Fear, tells of his own struggles to overcome the fear that defined
him. During an argument with his
girlfriend, she pointed out something that he had done which was wrong. Lee turned over the table and cussed at her
in his rage. He recognized that when she
pointed out that he was wrong; he assumed he would be punished. His father would punish him with severe
beatings and demeaning insults. Lee
could not bear such punishment, so he lashed out to protect himself from what
he anticipated but could not bear.
At times like these, when I was
feeling really good about what a great guy I was, I was most vulnerable to
criticism. At the instant I heard I was
“wrong” or “bad” I went from feeling great to feeling like the worst person on
the planet. Being wrong meant I needed
to be punished, and I was not aware of anything except that I had to stop her
from hurting me. I saw myself as
justified in whatever it took to stop her.
I did feel bad afterwards, but not like I had done something wrong, just
that she had forced me into protecting myself that much. I actually hatred Marian for hurting me.[1]
How do we face life
after such pain? We must find something
to shield us from the pain. Most of the
time, we learn to build and trust self-protective strategies. Lee Cox used his anger to protect
himself. Many victims of abuse use the
same abusive tactics with which they had been oppressed to protect them from
the oppression they fear. There are many
different strategies we adopt and use based on our experience and the severity
of the perceived threat. It seems heartless to encourage a wounded person to
drop their guard, but although these strategies are understandable, each one is
actually self-destructive. Each
self-protective strategy replaces Jesus as our shield, our protector, our
mediator.
In 2006, I was playing
a pickup game of basketball. I came down
with a rebound surrounded by two other players.
My foot landed partially on one another players foot and rolled. Because I was pinned between two players, I
could not fall to the side. The result
was a severely damaged ankle. The
recovery would take around a year. Even
after the ankle was healed, I remember being nervous when anything got too
close to my ankle, especially when it was a sudden movement. It was over a year before I would wear
sandals again. Even today, eight years
later, I am a little hesitant walking down steep hills. My injury affected the way I live. I am much more cautious and overly protective
of my ankle. Sometimes, my caution is
unnecessary, maybe even irrational.
As we experience
emotional pain in life we become protective as well. I call these emotional wounds in our life,
“bruises.” When we have a bruise, we
wince whenever anything approaches the bruise.
Although we do not consciously think about the bruise, we are
continually aware of it and act to keep it safe. In our effort to protect our
emotional bruises we can build lifelong self-protective patterns that are
unhealthy, preventing our own growth and our effectiveness in reaching others.
SHIELDS
Think about self-protective strategies as
shields. The purpose of a shield is to
come between you and a dangerous weapon.
As I write this chapter, Hamas is being accused of using human shields
in Gaza. They fire their missiles into
Israel from schools and hospitals, trusting that Israel will not return fire on
a school. Hamas trusts children,
injured, sick and care givers to stand between them and the Israeli bombs. In ages past, war was predominantly fought
hand to hand. In such a battle, it was
important to carry an offensive weapon such as a sword and a shield to block
the enemy's blows. The warrior hides
behind his shield awaiting a moment of safety so that he can strike against the
enemy.
We use our strategies in exactly this
way. First, we believe that we are at
war. We see the world around us as
dangerous and the people around us as threats.
Instead of seeing the needs around us and responding to God’s call to
care for others, we lift our guard. We
see the world in this way because we have been attacked. People express displeasure at us when we do
not follow the crowd. Maybe they laugh
at us--thereby communicating that we do not measure up--or they may mock us, get
angry at us, or physically harm us. In
each of these situations our value is challenged and our safety removed. We believe it is safer to assume people are
dangerous, than to risk such harm. (Isn't that the point of "stranger
danger?" Because some children have
been harmed by strangers, we teach our children to be afraid of every
stranger. While providing safety to
children, it also prevents truly loving people to express that love to the
children.)
Not only do we live as
if we are at war but we hide behind our shields. We may use conformity as a shield. As long as we fit in, we will not be
attacked. We use charm or anger, buying
gifts or being needy, cynicism or Pollyanna style optimism. Many people resort to books like How to
Win Friends and Influence People as a shield to help them win in the
warfare of this life. Others seek to
control everything around them. These
become the abusers, whose shield is an effort to control life so that it will
not hurt them again. They justify their
actions, often blinded to their abuse, but in the end they are hiding behind a
shield.
The Apostle Paul talks
about shields in Ephesians 6:11-17.
Put on the full armor of God, so that
you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against
the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the
spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so
that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having
done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having
girded your loins with truth, and having put
on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your
feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking
up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all
the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the
helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
He begins by reminding us that our battle is not
against people but the evil one. So as
we spend so much time strategizing about the people around us, we miss the real
issue. While we are supposed to be
reaching out to others with love, we are busy hiding behind our shields ready
for the next attack. And the world is
perishing around us.
When Paul speaks of the Christian's shield,
he calls it the "shield of faith."
How is faith a shield? Peter may
enlighten us as to that question. He
says that Jesus endured the hostility of crucifixion by "entrusting
Himself to the one who judges righteously.[2]" Jesus believed that His Father would care for
Him. He knew that even if He died, He
would live because his Father had promised.
His faith "extinguished all the flaming arrows of the evil
one." Peter tells us to follow
Jesus in this. It is better to be
comforted by Jesus than to avoid pain (Matthew 5:4[3],
11:28-30[4]). We may acknowledge this in our mind but
believing it provides a shield.
Believing in the nearness of God and His sole ability to meet our needs
extinguishes the flaming arrows. They
lose their power in our life.
IDENTIFY STRATEGIES
You have likely heard
of Napoleon complex, or short man syndrome.
It is the idea that a man under 5' 9" will try harder than taller
men in order to compensate for their sense of inferiority due to height. While this can be a generalization, the
reality is that some short men do try harder.
This is a self-protective strategy that brings some good into their
lives. While this strategy may provide
the drive to accomplish important tasks, it also drives people away. It hides a deep insecurity and leads the
individual to pretend to be more. This
person is afraid that shortness may define them. Therefore they create an elaborate facade to
hide their perceived weakness.
Often, our shields are
not as helpful. They provide some
semblance of control over life, but they also build barriers between us and
others that prevent us from receiving the intense love of God and from
impacting the lives around us. These shields
which we hope will protect us become the instruments that disrupt our
relationships and prevent us from accomplishing God will in our life.
Therefore, we need to
learn what shields we have built and what bruises they protect. By identifying these shields we can take our
wounds directly to Jesus for healing. We
know that we may have to walk around with scars from the previous wounds; we
may be wounded again; but we are committed to go to Jesus with our pains.
Ellen is a warm and
friendly woman. If you were to visit her
church, she would likely be one of the first to greet you. She genuinely loves people and she shows
it. She often reaches out to new people
and begins to build a quick bond. She
will cal a couple of times each week, initiate meetings and pray for the new
friend. This lasts for a few months and
then Ellen meets a new friend. Just as
quickly as it started the relationship seems to end. She is investing in someone new. Ellen does not even see this pattern.
Why does she do
this? Ellen, like many others, enjoys
newness but there is more. When Ellen
was eight, her best friend was Susie.
They spent all of their time together and shared their secrets. One day Susie broke their confidence and told
another girl one of Ellen’s most treasured secrets. Ellen was embarrassed and betrayed. As adults we could deal with this quite
easily but for an eight year old it was devastating. Ellen knew that she should not have trusted
Susie. She would not let anyone get that
close again. Thus began her life of many
relationships.
We all have
shields. What are yours?
When Maya Angelou was
young, she was raped by her mother’s boyfriend.
She told her brother who told the rest of the family. The man was arrested, convicted and then
incarcerated for one day. Four days
after his release, he was murdered—it is believed by Maya’s uncles. Maya felt responsible. She felt that by telling her brother, the man
had lost his life. She did not speak
again for four years. Her wound led to
the errant idea that she cost the man his life.
She was not rational—due in part to the trauma—failing to see that his
crime against her cost him his life. As
a small child, she had to process all of this emotion. She jumped to the conclusion that she caused
his death with her words, so she quit speaking.
Imagine how impoverished this world would be, if Maya Angelou had never
spoken. That is what her shield would
have produced, but God…
Caged Bird
A
free bird leaps
on
the back of the wind
and
floats downstream
till
the current ends
and
dips his wing
in
the orange sun rays
and
dares to claim the sky.
But
a bird that stalks
down
his narrow cage
can
seldom see through
his
bars of rage
his
wings are clipped and
his
feet are tied
so
he opens his throat to sing.
The
caged bird sings
with
a fearful trill
of
things unknown
but
longed for still
and
his tune is heard
on
the distant hill
for
the caged bird
sings
of freedom.
The
free bird thinks of another breeze
and
the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and
the fat worms waiting on a dawn bright lawn
and
he names the sky his own
But
a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his
shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his
wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so
he opens his throat to sing.
The
caged bird sings
with
a fearful trill
of
things unknown
but
longed for still
and
his tune is heard
on
the distant hill
for
the caged bird
sings
of freedom.[5]
[1]
Cox, Lee, Raised on Fear (Milltown,
MT, EVE Foundation, 2004), 68.
[2] 1
Peter 2:23-24 “and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while
suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges
righteously; “
[3]
Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
[4]
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I
will give you rest. 29 "Take My
yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU
WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. 30
"For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
